Here we go again

[valarltd]

Bun had a bad week and was cutting again.
Today she was pretty much okay until after dinner.

But it got so bad that I rearranged my work schedule and stayed home to give her cuddles and mom therapy.

Didn't help.

She's on her way to the hospital again. She looked up at me with big, tear-filled eyes and asked if I'd come along. I couldn't. This is a process that can take all night and someone has to be here to get the littles around in the morning.

She believes she's destined to die before she's 15. She thinks constantly of hurting and killing herself, to the point where she is actually visualizing it. She says the hospital will do no good because she doesn't stop thinking that way, she only stops talking about it.

I want to explode. i want to cry and I can't.
All my insides feel like they're being squeezed and my head hurts.

Now I have to go to bed because I have to drive tomorrow.

Comments

[amberleewriter.livejournal.com]

Don't know if it will help either of you, but I always firmly thought I'd never live to see 21. From around the age of 13/14 I've had times when I sit down a list all the ways I could kill myself then tick off ones that were just too unreliable, not really very easy or feasible, or that I simply couldn't bring myself to do. For years I couldn't swallow pills and it was the only thing that kept me alive.

When I finally managed to get pill swallowing down I had my first major try at death. I was 19. It's still the only way, when I think about doing it (and yes I still do) that I really consider. My grandmother, apparently also had these bouts and she decided on turning the car on in the garage.

I don't say this here to upset you but, in a strange way, to offer a touch of hope. After some time on meds and loads of chatting up with shrinks (and I do mean LOADS) I got to a point where I knew what "normal" was supposed to feel like. Between being able to know when I'm "manic" or "depressed" vs "normal" and the love of a really wonderful man who is stable and supportive, I have now lived to 38. It's not easy to live each day and I often think it would be easier to just toss by and end it, but I know now when those feelings come that they are from chemical imbalances and it makes it easier to keep going.

Let Bun know that such feelings might not end, but that there is so much to experience and that someone on your F-list is here to tell her that she's lived more than 17 years past what she expected and that they have been some of the most creative, friend and fun filled times of her life. Also, let her know that talking and being social really do help. My writing, my cat, my husband, and my journal friends all help to support me.

I'll be thinking of both of you.

[shullie.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure what to say.... indeed I don't think there is anything I can...

just letting you know I am thinking of you and yours

hugssssssssss

xxxx

shullie

[riverheart.livejournal.com]

My dear daughter may have words of comfort and advice for you; I don't know. She's a good person to check in with about this. I'll ask her to look in on you, if you don't mind.

[sailorcelestial.livejournal.com]

::hugs::

[synamontwist.livejournal.com]

If she would like to talk I will talk with her. I am a survivor of cutting and still fight with it.The only reason I wasnt suicidal at 15 is because I was a blackout drunk by then.

Kes

[cbpotts.livejournal.com]

Am thinking of you, all day, every minute. If there is anything I can do to be helpful or to help make things go more smoothly, please let me know.

[reannon.livejournal.com]

How awful for you. :( I'm thinking of you and Bun all the time. The others are right - she's speaking from the long dark tunnel she's in right now, but with enough help she can find her way out. She has you believing in her, and that's the most important thing. I wish I could help. :(

[prillalar]

I can't imagine how you feel and I don't know what to say, except that I'm thinking about you both.

The D-Man checks in

[(Anonymous)]

Too much to say. Check e-mail. (*Hugs*)

[riverheart.livejournal.com]

Ping me by email and I'll shoot you my daughter's SN and email address. You and Bun are both welcome to contact her, she says.

[mert-mt-bc.livejournal.com]

So sorry your family is going through this. I hope she is getting good help.

[thefannishwaldo.livejournal.com]

Give her love and hugs for me. And while you're at it, give yourself some too.

Take heart that she's still willing to talk. She may not even realize she's doing it, but admitting things like that she's not actually changing her thinking, just changing her talking *is* talking. She's still offering little inroads that you and her doctors and use to help her.

All my love and hopes and prayers.

[shinymarigold.livejournal.com]

You and Bun and the rest of your family are in my thoughts and my heart always. {{{hugs}}}

[hlglne.livejournal.com]

That was her, the Twi'lek next to the Askajjian? The most important thing for her to know is we can't kill ourselves until we are allowed to die. I know this for a fact. Because however hard I tried it never worked. Right now she's pussyfooting and playing with the intention. If she were serious you would get no warning.
Better living through meds is called for. If it's hospital 'again', then the right med has not been found. There is one. It may take years to find though.
Do not guilt yourself about this. You did not make her have a brain susceptible. You deal with that like you would deafness or a clubfoot. Multivitamins are a good start.

If she gives permission to send healing to this image I already have, I will. Crap, I'll send it anyhow. She's got to know it's there, okay?