Here we go again

[valarltd]

Bun had a bad week and was cutting again.
Today she was pretty much okay until after dinner.

But it got so bad that I rearranged my work schedule and stayed home to give her cuddles and mom therapy.

Didn't help.

She's on her way to the hospital again. She looked up at me with big, tear-filled eyes and asked if I'd come along. I couldn't. This is a process that can take all night and someone has to be here to get the littles around in the morning.

She believes she's destined to die before she's 15. She thinks constantly of hurting and killing herself, to the point where she is actually visualizing it. She says the hospital will do no good because she doesn't stop thinking that way, she only stops talking about it.

I want to explode. i want to cry and I can't.
All my insides feel like they're being squeezed and my head hurts.

Now I have to go to bed because I have to drive tomorrow.

Comments

[hlglne.livejournal.com]

That was her, the Twi'lek next to the Askajjian? The most important thing for her to know is we can't kill ourselves until we are allowed to die. I know this for a fact. Because however hard I tried it never worked. Right now she's pussyfooting and playing with the intention. If she were serious you would get no warning.
Better living through meds is called for. If it's hospital 'again', then the right med has not been found. There is one. It may take years to find though.
Do not guilt yourself about this. You did not make her have a brain susceptible. You deal with that like you would deafness or a clubfoot. Multivitamins are a good start.

If she gives permission to send healing to this image I already have, I will. Crap, I'll send it anyhow. She's got to know it's there, okay?