Here we go again

[valarltd]

Bun had a bad week and was cutting again.
Today she was pretty much okay until after dinner.

But it got so bad that I rearranged my work schedule and stayed home to give her cuddles and mom therapy.

Didn't help.

She's on her way to the hospital again. She looked up at me with big, tear-filled eyes and asked if I'd come along. I couldn't. This is a process that can take all night and someone has to be here to get the littles around in the morning.

She believes she's destined to die before she's 15. She thinks constantly of hurting and killing herself, to the point where she is actually visualizing it. She says the hospital will do no good because she doesn't stop thinking that way, she only stops talking about it.

I want to explode. i want to cry and I can't.
All my insides feel like they're being squeezed and my head hurts.

Now I have to go to bed because I have to drive tomorrow.

Comments

[amberleewriter.livejournal.com]

Don't know if it will help either of you, but I always firmly thought I'd never live to see 21. From around the age of 13/14 I've had times when I sit down a list all the ways I could kill myself then tick off ones that were just too unreliable, not really very easy or feasible, or that I simply couldn't bring myself to do. For years I couldn't swallow pills and it was the only thing that kept me alive.

When I finally managed to get pill swallowing down I had my first major try at death. I was 19. It's still the only way, when I think about doing it (and yes I still do) that I really consider. My grandmother, apparently also had these bouts and she decided on turning the car on in the garage.

I don't say this here to upset you but, in a strange way, to offer a touch of hope. After some time on meds and loads of chatting up with shrinks (and I do mean LOADS) I got to a point where I knew what "normal" was supposed to feel like. Between being able to know when I'm "manic" or "depressed" vs "normal" and the love of a really wonderful man who is stable and supportive, I have now lived to 38. It's not easy to live each day and I often think it would be easier to just toss by and end it, but I know now when those feelings come that they are from chemical imbalances and it makes it easier to keep going.

Let Bun know that such feelings might not end, but that there is so much to experience and that someone on your F-list is here to tell her that she's lived more than 17 years past what she expected and that they have been some of the most creative, friend and fun filled times of her life. Also, let her know that talking and being social really do help. My writing, my cat, my husband, and my journal friends all help to support me.

I'll be thinking of both of you.