wordcount

[valarltd]

13,939 / 50,000 (27.9%)

OK, folks, I need your input. Is the second paragraph obnoxious? Warning, sexual violence under the cut.

Phillip listened to the sobbing from outside the door, feeling very ashamed of himself. He tried telling himself he had not been about to force the princess herself, but his stiff cock gave lie to that. He had been. He would have raped her there, as if she were a traitor to the kingdom and crown, as if she were a peasant girl caught in a raid. And he would have enjoyed it.

That shamed him, but only his cheeks burned with it. His loins burned with a different sensation and Eve's Tempter insisted on being slaked. He'd find a willing serving girl. John would kill him for forcing himself on Marion, he knew.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

The D-Man Checks In:

Try it this way perhaps: Phillip listened to the sobbing from outside the door, feeling very ashamed of himself. He tried telling himself he had not been about to force the princess, but his stiff cock gave lie to that. He had been. He would have raped her there, as if she were a mere simple peasant girl caught in a raid. And he would have enjoyed it. Good Lord help him, but how he knew he would have enjoyed it.

That shamed him, but only his cheeks burned with it. His loins burned with a different sensation; Eve's Tempter insisted on being slaked. He decided it better to go find a serving girl; a willing one by preference, but if not... the end would still be the same, only he'd not be bothered by the sobbing tears of a mere peasant, and there would certainly be no consequences. If he dared force himself on Marion, he knew John would kill him, and likely not any too quickly.

[valarltd.livejournal.com]

Not too awful, but "mere simple" is redundant. And no semi-colons! Bree kicks my butt when I send her colons and semicolons.