valarltd | I'm cranky and the whole world looks stinky

I'm sick of 10 hour work days.

I'm tired of heat and cold and rain and snow and machinery that doesn't work.

I'm pissed about having to go in, every fucking day, without regard for how I feel. Sick as a dog? Suck it up and work.

I hate never having a weekend off. If I get a Sat. afternoon, I have to work Sunday.

I'm grouchy that everyone's off to Hypericon or vacation or DragonCon or Cancun (my little sister has a time-share condo in Can-fucking-cun) and I'm stuck at home. Working.

I'm tired of deadlines and relentless self-promotion.

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I'm a failure as a parent on so many fronts it isn't funny.
My kids don't even know enough to not interrupt. Or to not pester when I'm on the phone. Or not to leave empty containers in place where they'll be taken for full.
DESPITE repeated teaching efforts, they aren't getting it.
I've either produced defective children or am a failure at discipline

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Let's not go into the ways I fail at housekeeping.

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I avoid sex as much as possible, avoid being naked as much as possible.

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And now, I'm considering lap banding as opposed to Weight Watchers and the gym, because I'm a lazy bitch with no self-discipline or -respect who would rather submit herself to surgery than put forth some basic effort.

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It sucks to realize you're forty and a general failure.
More, it makes me ANGRY. I'm tired of failing at life, at living with other people.
I'm furious that I actually BELIEVE my marriage is held together by poverty (too broke to leave), inertia (too clingy to get on without each other) and spite (of our parents). That was supposed to be a joke.

What do I want?
I want a job with reasonable hours. 50 hrs a week for a takehome of $450 is not reasonable.
I want weekends.
I want a clean house.
I want obedient kids who have mastered the basic stuff I'd mastered by the age of 8.
I want to be ordinary sized, say 14-16 instead of 24-26.
I want to put on my shoes without getting winded.
I want to feel something for other people besides a low grade annoyance.
I want enough money to travel and vacation time to do it.
I want a bestseller, in a real bookstore.

The problem is, I don't want any of those badly enough to make them happen, apparently, despite struggling for most of my adult life on some of those points.