I'm cranky and the whole world looks stinky

[valarltd]

I'm sick of 10 hour work days.

I'm tired of heat and cold and rain and snow and machinery that doesn't work.

I'm pissed about having to go in, every fucking day, without regard for how I feel. Sick as a dog? Suck it up and work.

I hate never having a weekend off. If I get a Sat. afternoon, I have to work Sunday.

I'm grouchy that everyone's off to Hypericon or vacation or DragonCon or Cancun (my little sister has a time-share condo in Can-fucking-cun) and I'm stuck at home. Working.

I'm tired of deadlines and relentless self-promotion.

***

I'm a failure as a parent on so many fronts it isn't funny.
My kids don't even know enough to not interrupt. Or to not pester when I'm on the phone. Or not to leave empty containers in place where they'll be taken for full.
DESPITE repeated teaching efforts, they aren't getting it.
I've either produced defective children or am a failure at discipline

***

Let's not go into the ways I fail at housekeeping.

***

I avoid sex as much as possible, avoid being naked as much as possible.

***

And now, I'm considering lap banding as opposed to Weight Watchers and the gym, because I'm a lazy bitch with no self-discipline or -respect who would rather submit herself to surgery than put forth some basic effort.

***

It sucks to realize you're forty and a general failure.
More, it makes me ANGRY. I'm tired of failing at life, at living with other people.
I'm furious that I actually BELIEVE my marriage is held together by poverty (too broke to leave), inertia (too clingy to get on without each other) and spite (of our parents). That was supposed to be a joke.


What do I want?
I want a job with reasonable hours. 50 hrs a week for a takehome of $450 is not reasonable.
I want weekends.
I want a clean house.
I want obedient kids who have mastered the basic stuff I'd mastered by the age of 8.
I want to be ordinary sized, say 14-16 instead of 24-26.
I want to put on my shoes without getting winded.
I want to feel something for other people besides a low grade annoyance.
I want enough money to travel and vacation time to do it.
I want a bestseller, in a real bookstore.


The problem is, I don't want any of those badly enough to make them happen, apparently, despite struggling for most of my adult life on some of those points.

Comments

[dv-girl.livejournal.com]

And here I was just being sulky and envying you because you get so much done and it makes me look like I'm standing still. I know it's not very helpful but I, for one am glad to know you're human. :)

The best advice I've got is to stay out of the kitchen today. For me at least, the kitchen is a world of despair unto itself. Even if I clean it spotless in a maximum of 4 hours, it will be full of dirty dishes, wet countertops, and a sticky floor and I don't even have children. Boulder up a hill. Feh. Sisyphus was a wimp. I bet he never tried to keep the kitchen clean. It's an exercise in frustration beyond anything he could imagine. I mean, boulder up a hill SOUNDS hard. You might _expect_ to fail but keeping the kitchen clean sounds easy. Anyone should be able to do it! HA!

But... I should get back to work for another hour or so before I go home and clean the kitchen. Then maybe fold some laundry and maybe I can even squeak in a half hour or so of art before bedtime. Ha!

What I mean to say is: *hugs* I totally feel you!

[valarltd.livejournal.com]

Very, very human. And currently out of milk, jelly and laundry soap.

I had to go into the kitchen. I cooked dinner.
But Dollface did dishes, so that helps.

We picked up the front room after dinner.
The kids are running a second load of laundry.

I really don't want to write lesbians.
I want to edit and veg until July 1.

[nbrooks.livejournal.com]

Sounds like both of us are having a *great* day.

:(

I'm gonna try to drown my sorrows in fresh raspberries. It couldn't hurt, right?

[valarltd.livejournal.com]

I had raspberry M&Ms. does that count?

[maisfeeka.livejournal.com]

*hugs* *Lots of hugs*

[ravenskye8.livejournal.com]

For what it's worth - from what I've read from you - you're not a failure...

*hugs*

[blkstarsapphire.livejournal.com]

I don't think you're a failure...

*hugs*

I've only read a little of your stuff at this point, but I liked it...

[megleigh.livejournal.com]

I could almost believe this post was one I would have written 4-5 years ago. *hugs*

I hope things get better.

I feel you sister.....

[dragonpurr.livejournal.com]

Honestly, with the exception of the bestseller, your list is my list... At least you have all your kids...

I look at you and think, this is a woman with the hutzpah to drive a truck, with the compassion to accept her children no matter what, and with the creativity to write fascinating literature...

You are not a failure!

[(Anonymous)]

The D-Man Checks In: The problem (oh, great... like I wanna hear another problem) stems from a lack of self-discipline. How can you expect to discipline your children if you cannot discipline yourself & be their role-model? Your kids appear overall very bright, leaving me to suspect the defect is in their teacher(s), or at least her/their teaching/parenting style. It is always easier to love than to discipline. As for being an overall failure, I shall disagree mightily on that. I've monitored you for a long, long time... and I've seen you weather many a storm & survive. You have an ugly habit of not giving credit where credit is due, or simply casting aside diamonds in the rough when you either find them or have them pointed out to you. Not liking/wanting sex & nudity? That is largely the shortfall of your partner not doing his part in making you (or to at least assisting you) in feeling wanted & sexy. It takes (at least) 2 you know. Both my wife & favorite sister-in-law are overweight, and I nonetheless successfully make them both feel sexy (even if I can't legitimately do anything with my sister-in-law). I still flirt with them... I still compliment them on their looks (overlooking their flaws & focusing on the good)... I still do candlelight, music, dancing, and full body massages... Chocolates... Kisses on the back of the neck (or the back of the hand for my sister-in-law) and gentle facial & neck stroking just because they happened to be in the same room with me when I enter... Hugs for no real reason just in passing... The list goes on. I know for a fact that you are one of the most accomplished seductresses I have even encountered. Time gone by be damned! ...Some skills you just never lose; you only need the encouragement to bring them to the fore! You continue to write. You continue to submit stories that continue to be accepted by publishers. Success comes in all different sizes. Big breaks come when you often least expect them (kinda like when you find the person you are destined to marry). Lazy? You are disciplined enough to write a live journal nearly every day. You are disciplined enough to make deadlines on your stories. You... Just need to feel fulfilled at what you do to put forth the needed effort, and to perhaps be working for/with people whom you feel appreciate what you do. Cleaning house is rarely a joy for anyone, it's often a thankless job, and it just gets dirty & cluttered again afterwards... so why bother, since nobody seems to appreciate it? Therefore it doesn't get done. Disciplining your kids is rarely a joy, as nobody likes to deprive a child or see one cry (no matter how well deserved to teach them a needed lesson), especially when they start answering discipline with rebellion... so why bother since they clearly do not appreciate it? Therefore it doesn't get done. It ain't easy, but both need to be done, and they need to be done consistently if you want things to take hold. As for the rest? You work so you can provide for your family. You make more now than you did in your last job. Okay... so now you are actually working for a living instead of spending half your day getting paid to fool around on the computer, but that was your choice. You want things to be different? Be your own agent of change, or don't complain. If you don't care enough to change things, don't expect anyone else to really care either. A tad harsh, but a good yank on the chain might be what you need now more than soft cuddles mixed with reassurances that things will be alright... (and things will be alright.)

[(Anonymous)]

The D-Man Checks In: Did I forget to mention you've succeeded at holding together and making happy a marriage that--as I recall at the time of your wedding--most people (other than myself and maybe a small handful of others) put at long odds to last for more than 2 years... 5 at the very most?! Credit where credit is due, my dear.

[mother2012.livejournal.com]

Boy can I identify! I'm over 60 rather than 40, and I still fight the same issues. Which is depressing.

But I'll tell you this. The secret is health. Everything else follows. When I mind my diet, I have more energy, and can knock down the list of things to do, one at a time.

As for the kitchen - the blasted thing *grows*!

Also, I think a 'comfortable' marriage is not a bad thing.

But I never really did writing the way I should have, could have, wanted to. You're way ahead of the game there. It may not make you rich, but you're *successful!

[oxbastetxo.livejournal.com]

If you want a WW buddy, I'm here. I've been horrible with the last couple weeks and all the company, but at least I haven't put anything back on.

(((huggels)))