Follow up.
Apr. 25th, 2008 09:56 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
valarltdOur hero is having a David-and-Bathsheba moment.
1) The judgmental comparisons.
Altered, and complete, but NWS. Am I drowning in simile here?
"She looked amazing, all whipcord muscle over bone, tough as rawhide and quicker than a cat. The maleness of her shape and movements, coupled with the undeniable markers of her true sex made him want her even more. When she bent over, unknowingly displaying her strong, shapely rear, and the cunning little mouth peeking out between her legs, he shot. He was quick on the draw tonight, craving the touch of another. She would taste, he decided, like horse and leather and prairie wind, and feel like the velvet cushion on the settee upstairs at the Purple Garter."
2) We removed the problematic part entirely.
We considered and alteration to this:
"Had he been a younger and different man, he'd have simply taken what he wanted, as he had seen so many do. But he'd always found charm worked better and he'd never considered resorting to force. Now age had sobered him, and watching Paz told him such an act would be worth his life."
but it still leaves me uneasy, because it's very narrator intrusive, and breaks the fairly tight POV.
1) The judgmental comparisons.
Altered, and complete, but NWS. Am I drowning in simile here?
"She looked amazing, all whipcord muscle over bone, tough as rawhide and quicker than a cat. The maleness of her shape and movements, coupled with the undeniable markers of her true sex made him want her even more. When she bent over, unknowingly displaying her strong, shapely rear, and the cunning little mouth peeking out between her legs, he shot. He was quick on the draw tonight, craving the touch of another. She would taste, he decided, like horse and leather and prairie wind, and feel like the velvet cushion on the settee upstairs at the Purple Garter."
2) We removed the problematic part entirely.
We considered and alteration to this:
"Had he been a younger and different man, he'd have simply taken what he wanted, as he had seen so many do. But he'd always found charm worked better and he'd never considered resorting to force. Now age had sobered him, and watching Paz told him such an act would be worth his life."
but it still leaves me uneasy, because it's very narrator intrusive, and breaks the fairly tight POV.
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no subject
Date: 2008-04-26 06:12 am (UTC)2) Maybe just simplify it? Something like:
"Had he been a younger and different man, he'd have simply taken what he wanted with his considerable charm. Now age had sobered him, and watching Paz told him even such an act as that would be worth his life."
Considerable could also be replaced with roguish or some-such that fits the character better... That eliminates much of the intrusiveness.