Follow up.

[valarltd]

Our hero is having a David-and-Bathsheba moment.

1) The judgmental comparisons.
Altered, and complete, but NWS. Am I drowning in simile here?

"She looked amazing, all whipcord muscle over bone, tough as rawhide and quicker than a cat. The maleness of her shape and movements, coupled with the undeniable markers of her true sex made him want her even more. When she bent over, unknowingly displaying her strong, shapely rear, and the cunning little mouth peeking out between her legs, he shot. He was quick on the draw tonight, craving the touch of another. She would taste, he decided, like horse and leather and prairie wind, and feel like the velvet cushion on the settee upstairs at the Purple Garter."


2) We removed the problematic part entirely.
We considered and alteration to this:
"Had he been a younger and different man, he'd have simply taken what he wanted, as he had seen so many do. But he'd always found charm worked better and he'd never considered resorting to force. Now age had sobered him, and watching Paz told him such an act would be worth his life."
but it still leaves me uneasy, because it's very narrator intrusive, and breaks the fairly tight POV.

Comments

[oxbastetxo.livejournal.com]

I like the image of the first one. Easy to picture and easy to feel his feelings.

The second is much better than the version you first posted. He was a debaauched cad in the first reading.

I am soo not a romance novel person, but I like your style. :-)

I have Betty Neils book beside my bed that I really need to read, but I just can't make myself do it and it's only been sitting there..oh, a year. ;-)

[valarltd.livejournal.com]

It's a western. The romance is part of the story, but not all of it. And it's pretty unconventional, like the characters themselves.

We've pretty much eliminated that second paragraph. I'm not happy with it either way, and I'm too tired to take a third stab tonight. I'll try tomorrow.

[oxbastetxo.livejournal.com]

(((huggles)))

[tannenwynn.livejournal.com]

1) I likes! Then again, I've been accused of too much description before in my writings. I still don't care as it gets the picture I have in my head down on paper.

2) Maybe just simplify it? Something like:

"Had he been a younger and different man, he'd have simply taken what he wanted with his considerable charm. Now age had sobered him, and watching Paz told him even such an act as that would be worth his life."

Considerable could also be replaced with roguish or some-such that fits the character better... That eliminates much of the intrusiveness.

[valarltd.livejournal.com]

This is only about 50 pages. Would you like to give it a quick read?

[oxbastetxo.livejournal.com]

Sure.