Having sadz and thoughts

[valarltd]

Last night I helped install an eyebolt and chains for a friend.

And then I took a few minutes and moped because I am not in the right relationship. Nobody wants to chain me to the bed at night.

There comes a point when you have to realize that what you want, what you've wanted all your life is never going to happen. I've been kinky since I was 15. It's time to accept that after 32 years, I am never going to live a BDSM lifestyle, never going to have a master who treats me the way I want.

And it's probably time to quit playing on the fringes.
No sense tasting when I can't have the meal.

It hurts to come to this conclusion.
But I am not young. I am not sexy. And I have nothing to offer a top at this time, even if I could have one. Not that very many exist. Everyone around me is subs with occasional bouts of switchiness. I've encountered a handful or real doms, but there just aren't many.
And I feel like I'm going to starve.

Comments

[cbpotts.livejournal.com]

I hear you.

[valarltd.livejournal.com]

You get what you settle for. I settled for the best option I saw at the time.

Mudd is a good man in many ways, but he is hopelessly vanilla.

[sidewinder.livejournal.com]

It's...a different thing but I feel you because it sounds much like the feelings I've had to come to terms with over never having a child and accepting it's just not going to happen at this point in my life. Not now, not ever.

I'm too old now to really look into treatment without spending a shit ton of money for pathetic odds of good results. I'd probably have to give up the best relationship I've ever had to pursue, even if it isn't perfect. I've had to come to terms with the fact that this is something I want/wanted desperately it can't happen unless I basically throw away my life as I know it now to chase a virtually impossible dream.

It sucks and there are days I ache for what I don't have and know I never will have. And there are other days, at least, finally, where I feel like I can finally see the other side of things, that life isn't fair and peace comes when I can accept what I have isn't all that I wanted and thought I needed but it's what I've been dealt to accept. And I just have to move forward from there or else I'll spend every day in a very dark place.

[valarltd.livejournal.com]

It's hard. I've made a (sort-of) career writing kinky sexy books. And if I'm ever going to get over my desire for it, I may have to go to writing vanilla.

Or maybe there is no getting over it, like being bisexual. I gave up women for many years. Nowadays, I cuddle and kiss a few, and that's adequate for my desires. But kink only leaves me wanting more, every time I get a little.

It's good to know there may be the other side and acceptance, eventually. But I think it's something I have to come to, not something that can be imposed from the outside, as I tried to do with religion. Trying to sublimate submissive need into submission to God worked about as well as it sounded, and making the church hold the closet door shut for me...useles.

The D-Man Checks In

[(Anonymous)]

Speaking as one who has followed your kink for decades, and one who must also settle for far less than what I wanted (and still want) in a lasting relationship, but now stuck with a partner who is likewise just not into the kink unless it is all but forced on her as a monthly appeasement to me, else I finally pack up and take my game elsewhere... Sometimes a taste is all we get of The Good Stuff. Better than nothing. We take what we can get.

Youth has nothing to really do with it. In the Denver scene, I often play with "older women" who have just now been able to get into The Scene. (Talk about your sexy grandmothers; minus the gray heads of hair & deep wrinkles, as there is just so elderly I will feel an attraction to before it trips my weirdness breaker switch so that it can't happen!) I also play with "the fat chicks" when I have no regular(s), as I find them to be almost desperate to please (and/or desperate for attention), and so very rewarding, once one gets past the body image. It can happen though if you want it badly enough, and if you have the means & energy to go looking for it... and if you can live with the consequences of getting found out if you are not extremely careful. Leading a double-life is nothing easy... but DANG, it can be sooo worth it all!

If ever my kinky secret got out, it would end my career, as well as my marriage, so I too know what it is like living in the closet. Ultimately I might be happier living openly true to my kinky nature, but in the short-term I certainly would not be living as comfortably, so for the time being... the closet may not be ideal, but it is what it is, as I do get to slip out from time to time to Feed The Need.

You got a friend with eyebolts & chains? Odds are, they might share, or know somebody who would be interested in acquiring you as a part-time slave. Not pushing here; just saying...

You can no more turn your back on your kink than you can your bi-sexuality. It is a part of you, and makes you who & what you are. You think you are feeling unhappy, dejected, disillusioned, unfulfilled, bordering on miserable now? Try cutting it off & living a lie, like you once did with The Church.

"It's never going to happen, so why bother?"

Seems I also heard you say that about being a published author many years back. Of course it's never going to happen if you never do anything about it, unless Fate intervenes and drops what/who you are looking for in your lap (which does sometimes happen).

You want it?

DO what must be done to make it happen.

Kinda like fishing: If you never bait a hook nor cast a line, of course you ain't never gonna catch a fish. Just know that many a fisherman pulls in her line and goes home without so much as a nibble some days. It is at these times they must be content with whatever dry goods & lesser fare they have at home to tide them over until the fish are biting. Then there are days when a fish literally jumps into the boat. You just never know.

You only fail when you stop trying.

[valarltd.livejournal.com]

No because the friend is a subby bitch, like everyone else in my life. I'm done with long distance and role playing. I'm done with once a year conventions. I'm tired of swiping h'or dourves and never getting dinner. And yeah, it's a lot like being bi. Otoh, I went 20 years without kissing a girl..

[valarltd.livejournal.com]

What must be done to make it happen Is a divorce I don't want, and a long search I don't have time for. Giving it up will be miserable, but thats no different from where I am now.

The D-Man Checks In

[(Anonymous)]

~But I am not young.

Age has little to do with it, outside of flexibility, which most Dom's are content if not happy to work around. AGE is just a number. "Age is a matter of mind. If you don't mind, it don't matter."

~I am not sexy.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. You have long under-valued yourself. Sexy is more attitude than it is ability, and you, my dear, got both (when you care to tap that vein).

~And I have nothing to offer a top at this time, even if I could have one.

Oh, puoo-leeeese... You've got talents lesser & younger slave girls can only aspire to. You can withstand a whip better than most. You can let rip cries, even through a gag, that fill a whole dungeon, making heads turns & smiles cross lips. "Well, somebody is sure having a good time..." DO YOU KNOW HOW RARE THAT IS?

~Not that very many exist. Everyone around me is subs with occasional bouts of switchiness. I've encountered a handful or real doms, but there just aren't many.

But... By your own admission: They -do- exist.

~And I feel like I'm going to starve.

Yeah... That happens when you're a meat-eater and you don't hunt, or when you must fish for your supper and you don't bother baiting a hook & casting a line. Also happens when you are a writer who doesn't write, or who writes but never submits anything for fear of rejection.

As another analogy: The house ain't gonna clean itself. You don't wanna live in a mess? You gotta start picking up and tossing out the trash. If you don't? Nothing is going to change, and the mess might only get bigger & deeper.

Going all Ghandi here on you: "Be the change you want to see in the world."

Going all Call of The Wild here on you: "Sometimes you get to eat the whole zebra. Sometimes you must settle for only getting a piece... but make damn sure you get that piece." That quote works equally well whether it comes from the lion, or from the vulture. Both do what they must to survive. Will you?

[valarltd.livejournal.com]

There are no zebras in Call of the wild. It's sent in Alaska and about sled dogs.

As for the rest, I do mind so it does matter. Too old for this nonsense.

The D-Man Relies

[(Anonymous)]

You are letting your intellect override the sentiment.

"Call of The Wild" is an old movie title that many do not even know exists anymore, they only know the sentiment. Same as many have no idea that "Gentlemen Prefer Blonds" is an old movie title, and not just a popular saying these days.

Point remains: Eat the whole zebra when you can get it. Settle for just a piece when you can't get the whole thing. Starvation is a long and very unpleasant way to die.

Also know that you go through these snits & depressing lows every few years, if you care to look back on your LJ entries that far. This too will pass.

Even if you don't go to FroliCon to play, and it hurts on some deep level to watch others doing what you only wish you were having done to you... there is still the companionship of those you travel with, plus potential profits from your sales desk.

Re: The D-Man Relies

[valarltd.livejournal.com]

There's also the folks depending on my credit card to reserve the room. I'm stuck.

[xjenavivex.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry.

[valarltd.livejournal.com]

It bites me now and then.

And what I would have to give up is more valuable to me than enhanced orgasms.