Thoughts on Bullies

[valarltd]

Someone posted on a group that one should ignore bullies until they leave you alone. This, to my mind, is a fundamental misunderstanding of bullies. They do not bully to get a reaction out of you. You are a target, nothing more. If you cry, it makes it better, but if you ignore it, that is permission to bring out heavier artillery.

Bullies don't stop bothering you. They keep it up, until an outside agency steps in, or you are so badly hurt someone MUST step in. Or you die.

Words turn to blows.
But ignore them.

Blows turn to kicks.
It just means he likes you.

Blows become harder and harder until you are being tripped down the steps on a daily basis.
Ignore them and they'll stop.

And then they start hitting you with objects.
Books first. Or shoes. and then heavier books and rocks and chains.
Are we still ignoring it? Are we ignoring blood and bruises?

Fighting back sometimes works.
In my experience, it just means they bring more people to beat you next time. Because no little punk can get away with doing that.
And where you had one assailant, whom you might be able to beat in a fight, now you have three. Or five.

I'm pleased to see adults starting to take things seriously instead of giving the "ignore it" advice.
Or worse, putting bully and victim in close and constant proximity.
I wish it had happened sooner.

Comments

[moons-storm.livejournal.com]

I was a target of bullying all through my school years. In grade school, the boys would trip me on the kickball field and laugh or the girls would pull my hair or trip me as I walked down the aisles between desks. My teachers either ignored it or told me I shouldn't be so shy and introverted.

I remember seventh grade when it was truly driven home for me. Three girls followed me from my school bus stop, along with a dozen other neighborhood kids, saying cruel, ugly things, and when I reached my street, they started pushing and kicking me. My mother had instilled in me from the first day of school that one should always walk away from a fight, so I ran home. I told my mother what happened. They spoke with the parents of the other children, and the other children had told them I'd instigated the fight. At school, because the fight had occurred at the bus stop it was technically a school issue, the vice principal sat all four of us down with our parents and told all of us if something like this happened again, we'd all be suspended.

Even me, the victim, because I had to have done something to antagonize the other girls.

Bullies are bullies, and ignoring them, walking away from them, it doesn't work, and the one being bullied, the victim, is not the problem. The bully is. And it's high time adults stopped this crap, because those school yard bullies grow up to be bullies in other aspects of life, too, because they're taught young that the behavior is ignorable, if not acceptable.

I agree

[jkb.livejournal.com]

Not sure if anything in particular brought this up in your mind, but yeah, I think you're right. Gavin de Becker has written good things about this. It's insane that outright physical assault is tolerated in high schools.

[ravenskye8.livejournal.com]

I have a phobia of heights/falling... though, techincally it's not a phobia, because the definition of a phobia means that it's an irrational fear - that there's no reason you would be afraid of the trigger, you just are...

I have a reason.

When I was in elementary school, I went on a field trip to the Statue of Liberty, and several of my classmates pushed me over the railing of the observation deck staircase (for height reference, it's the distance between Lady Liberty's feet and the ground level). The only reason I didn't fall is the luck of where my arms were positioned, and that I was a gymnast, and held the handrail and my body as if I were doing a headstand on the uneven bars...

Even though the students openly confessed they had pushed me, they were not punished because they said they didn't think I would actually fall over the railing, and that they just were trying to scare me...

[(Anonymous)]

The D-Man Checks In: In my experience with bullies, doing nothing (AKA: just ignore it) only sends the message that you are a safe target & gives an open license for the bully to continue. Bullies are not really looking for a fight; they are looking for a victim; somebody they can easily push around so they can look & feel big by stepping on you. You fight back... sure, they might bring in buddies to help, but it ain't worth it if you keep fighting back & they keep getting hurt, and sooner or later the bully is going to meet you without his/her back-up. Same as why most big dogs will avoid picking on a chihuahua, because when it comes right down to it: "It ain't the size of the dog in the fight that matters; it's the size of the fight in the dog." The big dog may win the battle, but he's still gonna come away from it bloody, and that ain't no fun... and the next day the chihuahua will be ready to go again if the big dog really wants another go at it, even if the results are the same again, and again, and again. Eventually it just ain't worth it, so the big dog learns to leave the little psycho alone.

Also, no adult in their right mind is gonna figure that you, all by your little self, instigated a fight with a whole gang or somebody bigger than you... especially since bullies tend to have reputations. The adults know perfectly well who the bullies are; their credibility is pretty low when it comes to excuses & plausible deniability as to how things happened.

I was bullied all through late grade school & junior high. It stopped in 11th grade when I finally pulled a switchblade knife on a bully & 2 of his buddies he had brought along for back-up, and I went after them slashing & swinging, after they chased me down an alley--wanting to steal my backpack & everything inside. Prior to that day, I had never seen anyone turn white as a ghost or piss their pants, and I thought it was just an expression, but all of a sudden--when their intended victim turned mad-dog wild-man killer on them, and it was gonna be life or death from her on out instead of the usual fun & games they liked--it happened, and they ran (literally stumbling over & pushing each other). I got a talking to by the school counsellor & principle, who had to investigate a rumor the next day that I was carrying a knife in school, but it was my word against whomever (gee, I wonder who) started to rumor... I had a good reputation (as opposed to the bully or his little goon squad), so I would naturally -never- be guilty of carrying a weapon... and I wasn't dumb enough to bring the knife to school with me the next day--thus they found nothing on me, in my backpack, or in my locker.

The bullying stopped however, as word apparently quickly got out & circulated in the bullying crowd that I -did- or just might have a knife on me, and I was now pissed off enough to use it, and according to the story I was intent on killing somebody. Suddenly I wasn't worth picking on any more. Not only would I fight back now, but I was potentially dangerous and/or lethal, and that's -NOT- what bullies care to mess with.