Three questions, a bit on the squicky side

[valarltd]

1) Is this passage offensive and triggering? Does it hit body issues and necessitate hurling the book across the
room?

"She looked better than any woman he'd seen or imagined in ages. Certainly more attractive than Melanie's slightly pouchy pale belly, with the scars on it, or Ardis' large but sagging breasts. Better even than he'd imagined Annie looking."


2) Does this put our hero out of "honorable rake, even if he patronizes whores" and into "really gross rapist" category? (he's a former soldier, after all)

"Matt felt his cock wake up. It had been a while since he'd had a woman, and Paz gleamed in the twilight not ten yards from him.

Had he been a younger man, he'd have taken what he wanted. But age had sobered him, and watching Paz had taught him such an act would be worth his life. He ran one hand over the bulge in his pants."


3) Does anyone have a strong enough stomach to beta Alive on the Inside? This one needs a harder hand than anything else we've done. Naomi and I are considering approaching a paper-based publisher.

Comments

[winterknight.livejournal.com]

1) Unnecessarily negative in the description unless it's specifically in the man's nature.
2) Yes, it does, because it implies he was a rapist in the past. If he's not, I'd be more specific.
3) How long is it, and what's there to 'stomach'?

[mecurtin.livejournal.com]

1) YES

2) HELL YES -- this goes into OH JOHN RINGO NO, except John Ringo himself seems to be somewhat self-aware.

3) I'd love to, but I truly do not have the time. *tear*

[reannon.livejournal.com]

1) I don't know about triggering, but it certainly doesn't make me like the guy. It makes me think he's a superficial cad after young women. I wouldn't hurl the book across the room, but I'd be rooting for something unpleasant to happen to him. Since many of your potential readers would be possessors of pouchy, pale bellies and large but sagging breasts, they will not like him either.

2) Yes, it puts him as a rapist. Even a rake does not "take what he wants" if he is honorable. I know you like antiheroes, but if your aim is to have female readers even halfway like these guys, I'd soften them up a bit.

3) I wish I had time, hon. Unfortunately - or fortunately - I'm chock full of paying work right now. Not WELL-paying, mind you... :)

[valarltd.livejournal.com]

Alive on the Inside is 120 pages.
And it's erotic horror set in a traveling carnival.
There's some twincest/masturbation from the conjoined twins, partner abuse that gets pretty extreme and biomechanical stuff that gets gory.

[valarltd.livejournal.com]

I was worried about 1.

2) Former soldier. rapist and thief pretty much went with the territory in the 19th century.

[valarltd.livejournal.com]

Same man.
He's having a David and Bathsheba moment.

He's not meant to be an anti-hero, just a morally ambiguous hero. He's a tired old gunslinger trying to hang it up and build a new life without violence.


And paying work gets precedence, always. (and if you're low on time, that kills a business proposition I had)

[reannon.livejournal.com]

Well, I make time for business propositions, but time IS a little short... email me and we'll see.

[tannenwynn.livejournal.com]

1) I kind of agree with the others... Prolly not a good thing there.

2) I think it puts him out of honorable rake, but not quite into really gross rapist. Maybe if there was more context, I could judge. "...Taken what he wanted." could mean he quickly seduces her. I donno... I'm just typing things at this point of my morning. ^_^

3) What is required of a beta? I have a strong stomach, as I do read Cthulhu mythos erotica on a semi-regular basis--that stuff gets pretty damned gross sometimes. Of course, my sick ass just keeps reading! ^__^ And it's possible you'd get a two-for-one around here, since my hubby is about as twisted as me (I count this as a good thing!) Shoots me an e-mail at tannenwynn at gmail dot. com.

[gehayi.livejournal.com]

1) It reduces the women in his life to body parts. Yes, it makes me dislike him. A lot.

2) If he's used to "taking what he wants," then hell, yes, he's a rapist, and I would throw the book in the garbage and be deeply, deeply upset. I don't want to see a rapist presented as a hero, and the fact that a woman was doing so would offend me mightily.

Considering how many women have been sexually harassed, sexually molested or raped, you might want to tone that down. It might not go over too well with your readers.

[valarltd.livejournal.com]

A beta reads the story, understanding it is at the draft stage.
They comment on plot, structure, characters, and especially anything that is awkward, badly handled or throws them out of the story.

Like the passages above. A beta would have flagged the first and said "This is really judgmental and makes me not like Matt much right now."

For instance, my mother flagged a couple of things with the above story, one major, one minor: 1) The villain is a pinch-penny miser. He needs a really really good reason to pay a hired killer. He doesn't have one. 2) The smallest amount of land Matt could homestead was a quarter section. (she didn't know how many acres) and she told me about my great-grandfather and his brothers homesteading.

[valarltd.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

See the next post. We rewrote the first to focus on what he finds so appealing about Paz's body (without reference to the others). And the second got dropped entirely. Now the two paragraphs are one action sequence.

[tannenwynn.livejournal.com]

Okie dokies! You can sign me up. ^_^ I'd be more than happy to help.

[valarltd.livejournal.com]

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