Ugh, the black passenger
Sep. 9th, 2016 11:42 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
valarltdI can tell Depression is winding up again.
He sits in the passenger seat of my car as I drive. He looks a lot like Death from Supernatural, but without the dry sense of humor.
He tells me lies.
He tells me I deserve better friends. Friends who aren't prescription druggies.
Friends who are financially stable.
Friends whose gender matches their genitals.
Friends who are straight or pass for it.
Friends who are normal.
He says I should quit pestering people and see if they ever call me.
He tells me my business is a flop. That my stuff is trash no one wants. That my artisans will bail, as always. Silly to think someone like you could run such an enterprise anyway.
He says I should give it all up. Forget crafting and writing. No movies or computer time or books either. If you're awake, you should be cleaning or working. Look at the state of the house and of your life. Quit dragging stuff in, half finishing projects and skiving off.
He says I need to get over my delusions. I'm not a man. I never will be. Put on a dress and some lipstick. You're just trying to borrow a ladder and get out of being female.
He tries to talk me into punishing myself by making my life into a joyless grind that I hate every part of. Happiness doesn't matter as long as you're living properly.
And I know he lies. But I listen anyway.
He sits in the passenger seat of my car as I drive. He looks a lot like Death from Supernatural, but without the dry sense of humor.
He tells me lies.
He tells me I deserve better friends. Friends who aren't prescription druggies.
Friends who are financially stable.
Friends whose gender matches their genitals.
Friends who are straight or pass for it.
Friends who are normal.
He says I should quit pestering people and see if they ever call me.
He tells me my business is a flop. That my stuff is trash no one wants. That my artisans will bail, as always. Silly to think someone like you could run such an enterprise anyway.
He says I should give it all up. Forget crafting and writing. No movies or computer time or books either. If you're awake, you should be cleaning or working. Look at the state of the house and of your life. Quit dragging stuff in, half finishing projects and skiving off.
He says I need to get over my delusions. I'm not a man. I never will be. Put on a dress and some lipstick. You're just trying to borrow a ladder and get out of being female.
He tries to talk me into punishing myself by making my life into a joyless grind that I hate every part of. Happiness doesn't matter as long as you're living properly.
And I know he lies. But I listen anyway.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2016-09-10 12:10 pm (UTC)I know his cousin. You are not alone. I love you and believe in you. I cherish our friendship and highly value the things I have gotten from you.