(no subject)

[valarltd]

Just in case you've been under a rock for the last quarter century, here's
the rather flip version:

A Long Time Ago in a Galaxy Far, Far Away....

There's a war on, see? And the gorgeous Princess Leia gets captured by the
Black Knight, Darth vader. No fear! She's sent her two trusty robot
servants, R2-D2 and C-3PO, out to secure the aid of a mighty wizard/warrior,
the Jedi Knight Obi-Wan Kenobi.

They, as bumbling servants are wont to do, end up in the hands of a poor, but beautiful, farmboy, Luke Skywalker. One takes off to find the Jedi. Luke goes after him. They find Obi-Wan, who get's the princess's message that he is needed on her homeworld of Alderaan.

Luke initially refuses, but returns home to find his family murdered, so
he goes with Obi-Wan to "become a Jedi like my father." They book passage
with a pair of reckless smuggling pilots, Han Solo and the Wookiee
Chewbacca.

At the same time, The Princess is being held on a giant space battle
station, called the Death Star, which can blow up whole planets. The Grand
Moff Tarkin and Darth Vader demonstrate this on Alderaan when she won't
reveal the location of the rebel base.

Anyway, the boys get there, find Alderaan gone, get sucked into the Death
Star, rescure the Princess (after a couple of hair-raising escapes) Obi-Wan
dies as a distraction so they can escape. They get back to the Rebel Base,
and launch a fleet of one-man fighters, snubs, against the moon-sized
planet. Luke, guided by the Force that gives the Jedi his power, makes the
shot that blows up the Death Star.

Part 2, The Empire Strikes Back

Luke gets lost in a blizzard on the ice-wprld of Hoth. Han goes out to find
him and they spend the night spooning waiting to be rescued in an
allaince emergency shelter.

An imperial probe droid finds the new base. Big armored elephants stomp it flat (all that survive the Rebels' impromptu snow-speeder rodeo.)

Luke goes to Dagobah to learn from Yoda, the Jedi master who taught Obi-Wan.

Han and Leia get stuck with a faulty hyperdrive, get chased into an asteroid belt, attacked by mynocks, and left with Rhett and Scarlett's leftover romantic dialogue. They escape the Imperials to Cloud City on Bespin, which is run by one of Han's old scoundrel buddies, Lando Calrissian. But Vader's there first. Han is tortured, and his pain reaches Luke across the galaxy, and Luke abandons his training to rescue his
friends.

Han is frozen in carbonite and shipped off to Jabba the Hutt (to
whom he owes money). Leia and Chewbacca are rescued from Vader's plans by
Lando.

Luke fights Vader, and loses a hand as well as his heroic notions of
his father. Vader is his father. When Luke finds suicide to be the only
honorable way to deprive the Emperor of his talents, he is rescued from
certain death by Leia.

Return of the Jedi.

Six months later, the crew assembles in Jabba's palace: Lando undercover as
a guard, the droids as a gift from Luke to sweeten negotiations for Han (who
is currently doing duty as Jabba's favorite piece of art), Leia disguised as
a bounty hunter bringing in Chewbacca. Leia thaws Han, but they're caught
before they can escape.

Luke arrives, ogles Leia in the gold slave bikini, is thrown to a Forced-Perspective-handpuppet Rancor Monster, kills the beast and is hauled before Jabba for immediate execution. He and Han are taken out to the Dune Sea and nearly tossed into a gaping tooth-lined vagimaw of the great Sarlacc.

Luke stages a daring rescue, Leia kills Jabba, and they all head off world. Luke goes back to see Yoda, who dies on him. Then Obi-Wan shows up and announces that Leia is his sister and he still needs to go kill his father.

The rebels have a meeting. Apparently, the Emperor has built a second Death Star, so they need to blow this one up as well. Our heroes get stuck doing door duty (dropping the energy shield) so Wedge Antilles (Designated Survivor Guy!) and his Gold Squadron can blow the monstrosity.

The good guys link up with Ewoks (about a billion fuzzy little teddy bears with spears), who are primitives with a taste for human flesh. After promising them All-You-Can-Eat-Stormtrooper buffets, the good guys go to blow up the shield generator.

Luke slips off to confront Vader, and try to win him back to the good side of the force. Vader hauls him before the Emperor, who has father and son fight it out for
his affections. Luke wins, but only by succumbing to the Dark Side. He comes back from the brink and disarms. The emperor is ticked, and fries him with Force lightening. Vader drops the Emperor down a reactor shaft, dies on his son, who throws him a nice funeral pyre before returning to his friends.

Fast forward 15 years...

The Phantom Menace

Even Longer ago: Jedi knight Qui-Gon Jinn and his apprentice Obi-wan Kenobi
are sent to mediate a trade dispute on Naboo. One side tries to kill them.

So they see the other, save the planetary queen from a concentration camp,
and escape in a damaged starfighter. They get as far as Tatooine.

There, Qui-Gon wagers Obi-Wan's Ass their ship against the needed parts and the freedom of a slave boy with the highest midichlorian counts in the
galaxy. All this rides on a chariot Pod race, in which the young
slave, Anakin Skywalker, must fly.

He wins, Qui-Gon takes him along when they leave. They go to Coruscant, so Queen Amidala can talk to the senate. No help there, so Senator Palpatine does some wrangling and gets himself appointed chancellor. And he helps as much as he can.

The queen goes home, and they fight their way into the palace. Qui and Obi take on a sith, Darth Maul, and Qui-Gon buys it. Anakin gets stuck in a fighter, with R2D2, and
blows up the blockading ship. There's a big party, and a funeral for Qui-Gon.

Attack of the Clones
Ten years later, Amidala isn't queen anymore, but a senator. Anakin is a
Jedi padawan. Ani has been carrying a big scary stalkerish torch for her for ten years. He and Obi-Wan are assigned to guard her after an
assassination attempt.

Obi goes off to find the weapons-makers, and discovers a clone army made off Boba Fett's Daddy, Jango. Anakin takes Amidala home to Naboo, and shows remarkable restraint in the face of a black-leather wonderbra of a dress. They picnic and meet the family, but Anakin's nightmares of his mother are getting worse.

Amidala solves his problem by going to Tatooine, so that he must follow. Mom's been taken by Tusken raiders, and Ani takes a chopper and goes out to rescue her. He's
too late, she dies in his arms, and he butchers all the tuskens.

Obi-Wan, on the other hand, is now trapped in Isengard Geonosis by the seperatist Count Dooku. Ani and Ami go rescue him. The Jedi show up, the
Geonosins bring in their droid army, the Jedi bring their clone army. There
are endless minutes of CGI confusion.

Obi-Wan and Anakin duel Count Dooku. He beats them both, handily, literally chopping off Anakin's arm. Yoda saves the day. Then Ani and Ami get married.

Part 3 comes out next summer. What we must see happen: Anakin's final
transformation into Vader, the arrival of Luke and Leia. Palpatine
declaring himself emperor.