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Editing Hell, Hard reboot edition
Feb. 2nd, 2012 06:39 pmExpect to see that headline a lot.
I started with a manusctipt, incomplete at 99,475 words.
I am editing it into something readable and entertaining, not something the average reader is skimming whole pages of. As one reader said "This is boring as piss."
Old first page:
Sometimes his life was just one more plasti-card on the junkheap of life, Sean O'Neill decided as he waited on the doorstep of the exclusive penthouse, swallowing hard against his nervousness and the unaccustomed necktie. He could feel the weight of the visible surveillance cameras on him as he waited, and knew that more unseen ones, including monitoring systems that were likely giving him a more thorough physical examination than any medical clinic in his neighborhood, and automated drone weapons followed him as well. One wrong move, one heartbeat too many that revealed his nervousness, would get him killed.
( Read more... )
New first page:
Sometimes his life was just one more plasti-card on the junkheap of life, Sean O'Neill decided as he waited for admittance to the arcology penthouse. From the expensive shoes up to the stylish fake blue lenses and very trendy haircut, he looked as if he belonged in a place like this. He couldn't show his nervousness, not to the visible surveillance cameras or the unseen ones that monitored everything from his pulse to his body temperature, not to himself and most of all, not to the mark.
( Read more... )
Still boring?
I started with a manusctipt, incomplete at 99,475 words.
I am editing it into something readable and entertaining, not something the average reader is skimming whole pages of. As one reader said "This is boring as piss."
Old first page:
Sometimes his life was just one more plasti-card on the junkheap of life, Sean O'Neill decided as he waited on the doorstep of the exclusive penthouse, swallowing hard against his nervousness and the unaccustomed necktie. He could feel the weight of the visible surveillance cameras on him as he waited, and knew that more unseen ones, including monitoring systems that were likely giving him a more thorough physical examination than any medical clinic in his neighborhood, and automated drone weapons followed him as well. One wrong move, one heartbeat too many that revealed his nervousness, would get him killed.
( Read more... )
New first page:
Sometimes his life was just one more plasti-card on the junkheap of life, Sean O'Neill decided as he waited for admittance to the arcology penthouse. From the expensive shoes up to the stylish fake blue lenses and very trendy haircut, he looked as if he belonged in a place like this. He couldn't show his nervousness, not to the visible surveillance cameras or the unseen ones that monitored everything from his pulse to his body temperature, not to himself and most of all, not to the mark.
( Read more... )
Still boring?
