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jkb and walkerminion I'd get these out after cracking them up all the way to the airport.
(Are they as funny when you're not sleep deprived?)
Source: found wanderng about the Net, no one wants the blame.
1.) Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.
2.) You use your lightsaber to open a non-twist-off bottle of Bud.
3.) There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.
4.) You use your lightsaber to pick your teeth.
5.) At least one section of your X-Wing is Bondo colored.
6.) You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.
7.) You can't describe the taste of an Ewok without using the word chicken.
8.) You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.
9.) You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good
sheets.
10.) A peaceful meditation is one without gas.
11.) You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not THE force.
12.) Your master/mentor ever said "Hey, pull my finger..."
13.) Your X-wing is up on blocks in your front yard.
14.) You lost a hand during a lightsaber fight because you had to spit.
15.) The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
16.) Wookies are offended by your B.O.
17.) You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
18.) You use your lightsaber to clean fish.
19.) Your father said to you, "Shoot, son come on over t' the dark side...
it'll be a hoot."
20.) You use your R-2 unit's self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the
barbecue grill to light.
21.) The moonshine still you built on Endor is hidden so well even the Ewoks can't find it.
22.) You have a stuffed womp rat over your fireplace.
23.) You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
24.) You think the symbol for the Rebel Alliance should be the Confederate
flag.
25.) More than half the droids you own don't function.
26.) The number of blasters you own exceeds your I.Q.
27.) You wonder why Luke and Leia never got married.
28.) You used a carbon-freezing chamber to store the 78 Wampas you shot
while on vacation on Hoth.
29.) Your moonshine is really made on the moon.
30.) You don't like wearing a Jedi robe because it prevents access to the
dip stored in your back pocket.
31.) Sandpeople back down from your mama.
32.) You've ever used Jedi mind control to talk your way out of a speeding
ticket or DUI.
33.) You've ever strangled someone with the force because they laughed at
your accent.
34.) You built an outhouse over the Sarlaac.
35.) You've ever argued with a Jawa over scavenging rights to a broken
droid.
36.) A Wookie has told you that you need to shave.
37.) You have ever wrecked a landspeeder while lighting a cigarette with
your lightsaber.
38.) You don't think the Ewoks are primitive.
39.) You think an AT-AT looks like a giant cow.
40.) You don't think Jabba's pig guards have a hygiene problem.
41.) You consider your lightsaber the ultimate bug zapper.
42.) The Rancor monster refused to eat you.
43.) You discover that your greatest enemy is, in fact, your father, who
also happens to be your brother...
(more at Suzanne's Redneck Joke Page
A Redneck Goes to The Movies: "Return of the Jet-Guy"
It starts out with Luke the Skywriter goin' to see his little buddy Yodel,
who up and kicks the bucket right after Luke shows up. That don't set too
well with Luke, and he jumps in his ride and bawls a hide outa' there.
Then he goes to out to a little honky tonk on the far side of town, where Layla is makin' eyes at Hands-so-Low (must be a Indian name). He was stuck in a big ole hunk of roofin' tar, but she melted it off of him. She
could probably melt ice at the north pole, come to think of it. Anyway, they git in a real big fight with Joe-bob the Hut, and Luke up and kills his big ole ugly dog. That really ticks off Joe-bob, so he drags all of 'em out in the desert to toss 'em in a hole. All except Layla, that is. He's got her all decked out in some kinda skimpy outfit, and chained her up.
Then Luke, the beepin' little robot, and Princess Layla commence to kick Joe-bob's butt. The prissy gold-plated Tin Man is just whinin' all the
time about this and that, and Chews Terbacca starts in howlin'. They dang
near fall in the hole, but they finally whipped out the six shooters, and it was a fine fandango for a while. Layla choked Joe-Bob's fat neck with her chain, then they set his place on fire, and hauled tater in one of his cars.
They meet up somewhere else with a bunch of Layla's weird friends,
and decide to go blow up this big thing called the death star. They split up, some of 'em ride out to the death star, while the rest spy out the base. They go race some space-Harleys through the trees, Layla gets knocked on her butt, and they meet up with about a billion lil' fuzzy Teddy bears with spears.
While Layla was out havin fun ridin' through the trees, Luke went
to see his ole man, Darcy Vader. They argued for a while about who was on
whose side, and his ole man said he didn't care at all, and dragged Luke's
skraggly carcass up to see Sparky, the emperor. This ole bird looked like he had just ate a king-size dill pickle. He didn't have a kind word to say to anybody, and spent a lot of time telling Luke he had done screwed up.
As they were havin' it out, Hands-so-low, Chews Terbacca, Layla, and
about a billion little teddy bears with spears were out knockin' heads with a big bunch of Sparky's space cops at the base. They kicked their butts real good, then they really showed 'em by blowin' up their still.
Then Luke and Darcy got into it with space swords, and Darcy got the
worst of it. That really got Sparky ticked, and he commenced to zappin' Luke with lightning over and over. Darcy just stood there watchin' the whole thing, I guess he was thinkin' back to when Luke was a brat and spit up on his new black shiny boots. Anyway, when Sparky said he was really gonna kill Luke, Darcy picked him up and tossed him down a hole, and Sparky musta zapped a gas line, cause he got blowed up. But Sparky had hit Darcy a couple good shots, because he up and died.
Luke was cryin' about his dad, and dragged Darcy's big ole dead carcass into a fast ride and got out of dodge just before the whole place blew up. Then he toasted Darcy Viking-style, and he and his friends had a shin-dig that went on all night.
I was working part time in a five and dime. My boss was Mr. Magee. He was
six foot four and full of muscles and walked like an Egyptian, but I was
happy to be stuck with him. One manic Monday, while I was busy working for
the weekend, I overheard him make a careless whisper.
He told two of my co-workers, Jack and Diane, that I gave love a bad name.
Well, I got so emotional, baby. I told him to say say say what he wants, but don't play games with my heart. He told me it was hard for him to say he's sorry and not to worry, to be happy. Then he blamed it on the rain. He was so out of touch. It just took my breath away. I couldn't fight this feeling any longer. I asked him "What's love got to do with it?" He told me to get outta his store and his dreams and into my car.
So I figured I might as well jump. I cut footloose, went home and called my girl, Jenny. (You already know the number) She was on the other line with Amanda. They were talking about Mickey and how he was so fine. That blew my mind! Was she really going out with him? I told her that I had just called to say I love her. She told me she had been saving all her love for me, but now she was looking for a new love - hasta la
vista, baby. I thought "I can't go for that - no can do! Bring me a higher
love!"
I called up some of my old west end girls, hoping that one of them would
want to get physical all night long (all night). First I called Billie
Jean - she told me to beat it. I called Rosanna - her sister Christian
blessed the rains down in Africa and then hung up on me. Come on, Eileen!
.. no answer. Nobody told me there'd be days like these! I was feeling like the owner of a lonely heart. Then, out of the blue, my best friend's
girlfriend (she used to be mine) Roxanne calls. Yes, the real Roxanne. She
told me she still hadn't found what she's looking for and that she wanted to take on me. I said "I thought you were Jessie's girl."
She said "Don't you want me? You don't have to put on the red light - I'm on my own." What a feeling! I had the eye of the tiger. Who was I f-f-f-foolin? Roxanne drove me crazy like no one else. She's a beauty!
She blinded me with science, and weird science at that. There was always
something there to remind me of her and I just knew that I'd have the time
of my life. I wasn't about to la-di-da-di. I jumped in my little red
Corvette and rocked down to Electric Avenue. I got my mind set on her. When I got to her house (in the middle of her street) I ran. I rapped on her front door and to this rapper's delight, I heard a voice say "Who can it be now?" "Here I am, the one that you love", I replied. I let my love open the door and was immediately lost in her eyes.
I felt like a virgin touched for the very first time. She loosened her
blouse and said "Rock me Amadeus!" Well, I felt it was my prerogative to
bust a move. I told her "I'll tumble for ya!" as I pinned her on the stairs, hungry like the wolf. Just then I felt an invisible touch on my shoulder.
"Turn around bright eyes!" said a familiar voice. As I did, Jessie hit me
with a sledgehammer of an uppercut that spun me right round like a record.
He was hangin' tough and continued to roll with it, knocking the wind from
beneath my wings -broken wings by this time. He rocked me tonight, for old
time's sake, beating me from head to toe, until my true colors were black
and blue and blood was spilling from my mouth like red, red wine. "You don't owe me money for nothing!" he snarled.
At this point I was livin' on a prayer. I crawled back to my little red
Corvette and drove home thinking about how my tainted love had cut like a
knife - how it seems that every rose, truly, has its thorn. No longer do I
want to know what love is. Love stinks.
Via: "Diesel Dan"
GREAT SAYINGS OF BIBLICAL MOTHERS
10. Samson! Get your hand out of that lion. You don't know where it's been! (Judges 14:5-8)
9. David! I told you not to play in the house with that sling! Go practice your harp. We pay good money for those lessons!
8. Abraham! Stop wandering around the countryside and get home for supper!
7. Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego! Leave those clothes outside, you smell
like a dirty ol' furnace!
6. Cain! Get off your brother! You're going to kill him some day!
5. Noah! No, you can't keep them! I told you, don't bring home any more
strays!
4. Gideon! Have you been hiding in that wine press again? Look at your
clothes! (Judges 6:11)
3. James and John! No more burping contests at the dinner table, please.
People are going to call you the sons of thunder! (Mark 3:17)
2. Judas! Have you been in my purse again?!
1. Jesus, close the door! What do you think, you were born in a barn?
jkb and walkerminion I'd get these out after cracking them up all the way to the airport.(Are they as funny when you're not sleep deprived?)
Source: found wanderng about the Net, no one wants the blame.
1.) Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.
2.) You use your lightsaber to open a non-twist-off bottle of Bud.
3.) There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.
4.) You use your lightsaber to pick your teeth.
5.) At least one section of your X-Wing is Bondo colored.
6.) You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.
7.) You can't describe the taste of an Ewok without using the word chicken.
8.) You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.
9.) You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good
sheets.
10.) A peaceful meditation is one without gas.
11.) You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not THE force.
12.) Your master/mentor ever said "Hey, pull my finger..."
13.) Your X-wing is up on blocks in your front yard.
14.) You lost a hand during a lightsaber fight because you had to spit.
15.) The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
16.) Wookies are offended by your B.O.
17.) You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
18.) You use your lightsaber to clean fish.
19.) Your father said to you, "Shoot, son come on over t' the dark side...
it'll be a hoot."
20.) You use your R-2 unit's self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the
barbecue grill to light.
21.) The moonshine still you built on Endor is hidden so well even the Ewoks can't find it.
22.) You have a stuffed womp rat over your fireplace.
23.) You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
24.) You think the symbol for the Rebel Alliance should be the Confederate
flag.
25.) More than half the droids you own don't function.
26.) The number of blasters you own exceeds your I.Q.
27.) You wonder why Luke and Leia never got married.
28.) You used a carbon-freezing chamber to store the 78 Wampas you shot
while on vacation on Hoth.
29.) Your moonshine is really made on the moon.
30.) You don't like wearing a Jedi robe because it prevents access to the
dip stored in your back pocket.
31.) Sandpeople back down from your mama.
32.) You've ever used Jedi mind control to talk your way out of a speeding
ticket or DUI.
33.) You've ever strangled someone with the force because they laughed at
your accent.
34.) You built an outhouse over the Sarlaac.
35.) You've ever argued with a Jawa over scavenging rights to a broken
droid.
36.) A Wookie has told you that you need to shave.
37.) You have ever wrecked a landspeeder while lighting a cigarette with
your lightsaber.
38.) You don't think the Ewoks are primitive.
39.) You think an AT-AT looks like a giant cow.
40.) You don't think Jabba's pig guards have a hygiene problem.
41.) You consider your lightsaber the ultimate bug zapper.
42.) The Rancor monster refused to eat you.
43.) You discover that your greatest enemy is, in fact, your father, who
also happens to be your brother...
(more at Suzanne's Redneck Joke Page
A Redneck Goes to The Movies: "Return of the Jet-Guy"
It starts out with Luke the Skywriter goin' to see his little buddy Yodel,
who up and kicks the bucket right after Luke shows up. That don't set too
well with Luke, and he jumps in his ride and bawls a hide outa' there.
Then he goes to out to a little honky tonk on the far side of town, where Layla is makin' eyes at Hands-so-Low (must be a Indian name). He was stuck in a big ole hunk of roofin' tar, but she melted it off of him. She
could probably melt ice at the north pole, come to think of it. Anyway, they git in a real big fight with Joe-bob the Hut, and Luke up and kills his big ole ugly dog. That really ticks off Joe-bob, so he drags all of 'em out in the desert to toss 'em in a hole. All except Layla, that is. He's got her all decked out in some kinda skimpy outfit, and chained her up.
Then Luke, the beepin' little robot, and Princess Layla commence to kick Joe-bob's butt. The prissy gold-plated Tin Man is just whinin' all the
time about this and that, and Chews Terbacca starts in howlin'. They dang
near fall in the hole, but they finally whipped out the six shooters, and it was a fine fandango for a while. Layla choked Joe-Bob's fat neck with her chain, then they set his place on fire, and hauled tater in one of his cars.
They meet up somewhere else with a bunch of Layla's weird friends,
and decide to go blow up this big thing called the death star. They split up, some of 'em ride out to the death star, while the rest spy out the base. They go race some space-Harleys through the trees, Layla gets knocked on her butt, and they meet up with about a billion lil' fuzzy Teddy bears with spears.
While Layla was out havin fun ridin' through the trees, Luke went
to see his ole man, Darcy Vader. They argued for a while about who was on
whose side, and his ole man said he didn't care at all, and dragged Luke's
skraggly carcass up to see Sparky, the emperor. This ole bird looked like he had just ate a king-size dill pickle. He didn't have a kind word to say to anybody, and spent a lot of time telling Luke he had done screwed up.
As they were havin' it out, Hands-so-low, Chews Terbacca, Layla, and
about a billion little teddy bears with spears were out knockin' heads with a big bunch of Sparky's space cops at the base. They kicked their butts real good, then they really showed 'em by blowin' up their still.
Then Luke and Darcy got into it with space swords, and Darcy got the
worst of it. That really got Sparky ticked, and he commenced to zappin' Luke with lightning over and over. Darcy just stood there watchin' the whole thing, I guess he was thinkin' back to when Luke was a brat and spit up on his new black shiny boots. Anyway, when Sparky said he was really gonna kill Luke, Darcy picked him up and tossed him down a hole, and Sparky musta zapped a gas line, cause he got blowed up. But Sparky had hit Darcy a couple good shots, because he up and died.
Luke was cryin' about his dad, and dragged Darcy's big ole dead carcass into a fast ride and got out of dodge just before the whole place blew up. Then he toasted Darcy Viking-style, and he and his friends had a shin-dig that went on all night.
I was working part time in a five and dime. My boss was Mr. Magee. He was
six foot four and full of muscles and walked like an Egyptian, but I was
happy to be stuck with him. One manic Monday, while I was busy working for
the weekend, I overheard him make a careless whisper.
He told two of my co-workers, Jack and Diane, that I gave love a bad name.
Well, I got so emotional, baby. I told him to say say say what he wants, but don't play games with my heart. He told me it was hard for him to say he's sorry and not to worry, to be happy. Then he blamed it on the rain. He was so out of touch. It just took my breath away. I couldn't fight this feeling any longer. I asked him "What's love got to do with it?" He told me to get outta his store and his dreams and into my car.
So I figured I might as well jump. I cut footloose, went home and called my girl, Jenny. (You already know the number) She was on the other line with Amanda. They were talking about Mickey and how he was so fine. That blew my mind! Was she really going out with him? I told her that I had just called to say I love her. She told me she had been saving all her love for me, but now she was looking for a new love - hasta la
vista, baby. I thought "I can't go for that - no can do! Bring me a higher
love!"
I called up some of my old west end girls, hoping that one of them would
want to get physical all night long (all night). First I called Billie
Jean - she told me to beat it. I called Rosanna - her sister Christian
blessed the rains down in Africa and then hung up on me. Come on, Eileen!
.. no answer. Nobody told me there'd be days like these! I was feeling like the owner of a lonely heart. Then, out of the blue, my best friend's
girlfriend (she used to be mine) Roxanne calls. Yes, the real Roxanne. She
told me she still hadn't found what she's looking for and that she wanted to take on me. I said "I thought you were Jessie's girl."
She said "Don't you want me? You don't have to put on the red light - I'm on my own." What a feeling! I had the eye of the tiger. Who was I f-f-f-foolin? Roxanne drove me crazy like no one else. She's a beauty!
She blinded me with science, and weird science at that. There was always
something there to remind me of her and I just knew that I'd have the time
of my life. I wasn't about to la-di-da-di. I jumped in my little red
Corvette and rocked down to Electric Avenue. I got my mind set on her. When I got to her house (in the middle of her street) I ran. I rapped on her front door and to this rapper's delight, I heard a voice say "Who can it be now?" "Here I am, the one that you love", I replied. I let my love open the door and was immediately lost in her eyes.
I felt like a virgin touched for the very first time. She loosened her
blouse and said "Rock me Amadeus!" Well, I felt it was my prerogative to
bust a move. I told her "I'll tumble for ya!" as I pinned her on the stairs, hungry like the wolf. Just then I felt an invisible touch on my shoulder.
"Turn around bright eyes!" said a familiar voice. As I did, Jessie hit me
with a sledgehammer of an uppercut that spun me right round like a record.
He was hangin' tough and continued to roll with it, knocking the wind from
beneath my wings -broken wings by this time. He rocked me tonight, for old
time's sake, beating me from head to toe, until my true colors were black
and blue and blood was spilling from my mouth like red, red wine. "You don't owe me money for nothing!" he snarled.
At this point I was livin' on a prayer. I crawled back to my little red
Corvette and drove home thinking about how my tainted love had cut like a
knife - how it seems that every rose, truly, has its thorn. No longer do I
want to know what love is. Love stinks.
Via: "Diesel Dan"
GREAT SAYINGS OF BIBLICAL MOTHERS
10. Samson! Get your hand out of that lion. You don't know where it's been! (Judges 14:5-8)
9. David! I told you not to play in the house with that sling! Go practice your harp. We pay good money for those lessons!
8. Abraham! Stop wandering around the countryside and get home for supper!
7. Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego! Leave those clothes outside, you smell
like a dirty ol' furnace!
6. Cain! Get off your brother! You're going to kill him some day!
5. Noah! No, you can't keep them! I told you, don't bring home any more
strays!
4. Gideon! Have you been hiding in that wine press again? Look at your
clothes! (Judges 6:11)
3. James and John! No more burping contests at the dinner table, please.
People are going to call you the sons of thunder! (Mark 3:17)
2. Judas! Have you been in my purse again?!
1. Jesus, close the door! What do you think, you were born in a barn?
