Blurbage and fail

[valarltd]

All right
So I have this novel. It has the potential to be all kinds of fail, but I think we've sidestepped most of it.

Now, how do we keep the blurb from being all kinds of fail?

Basic plot: English pirate buys a half-white slave. He tells him to serve for seven years to earn his freedom, and he gets a half-share of all plunder. Pirate falls for his man, while fending off his own former lover.

Torquere blurb:
Nathaniel Collins, captain of the Golden Horizon, seems to have everything a man could want, freedom to ride the seas, articles from His Majesty on hand, a new slave, and a great ship.

He has one thorn in his side, though, pirate captain Thomas Harrison of the Kestrel. Harrison is Collins’ former captain and they parted on less than amicable terms.

Will Collins be able to make a life for himself and his new love? Or will the Kestrel be forever on the horizon? Find out in this pirate adventure!

I did not write this and it is not at all sexy enough.

Other blurb:
Nathaniel Collins never expected to be a slaveholder. But the sad blue eyes of the man on the block spurred him to an impulse purchase. Adlai had expected to inherit his white father’s estate, not be sold with it. He certainly never expected to live a life of piracy.

Now, they are embroiled with Nathaniel's former captain, Thomas Harrison, and his own spoiled lover. Harrison will stop at nothing to have Nathaniel's ship for his fleet, and Nathaniel back in his bed.

Two new, sexier blurbs:

Nathaniel Collins, heartless privateer, was pierced to the center of his being by the sad blue eyes of the young man on the auction block. Wanting to erase the sadness and protect the man, he makes the impulse purchase of his life.

Adlai, for his part, had been trained to inherit his white father's estate, not be sold with it. He most certainly did not plan to be a pirate.

But out of duty and respect, love and devotion and deep desire grow between the men. Adlai faces overcoming his beliefs to show his beloved captain the exact depths of his pleasure, even as he learns new forms of terror from battles and Nathaniel's ruthless adversary, the American Thomas Harrison.

or
Under a steamy Barbados sun, Nathaniel Collins makes an impulse purchase that will change the course of his entire life as a privateer. Pierced to the core by the sad blue eyes of the young man on the block, he buys Adlai, thinking to erase his sorrow and protect him from a less-pleasant fate in the fields or brothels.

Adlai dares not trust the pirate who now own his body, but time and proximity, need and care change his suspicions to respect and Collins' respect to love. Together, they brave all the sea can throw at them, including Nathaniels former captain and rival, Thomas Harrison.

Harrison will stop at nothing to have Nathaniel and his ship back. And Adlai becomes one more weapon in their ongoing war.


Suggestions welcome on the blurb.

Comments

[jess-faraday.livejournal.com]

The second one. It has the emotional hook, but the prose is spare and clear. I'd buy it based on that.

[(Anonymous)]

i like the 1st of the 2 sexier blurbs. but i like the line "Under a steamy Barbados sun," and the last 2 sentences of the last blurb. the 2nd blurb would spike my curiosity just as well though. fb..mcjackson

[m-barnette.livejournal.com]

The last one of the sexier two is the best. That 'Under a steamy Barbados sun' bit grabs the reader and makes them want to read more.

The one written by the folks at Torquere is totally meh.