valarltd: (family values)
[personal profile] valarltd
I have three teenagers in the house and one (she's 20, which is the last year of teen-dom) living on her own.

We started sex education early and thoroughly. There was no way around it. I was pregnant or nursing for ten years. And small curious children want to know how the baby got in there and how it's growing.

I still remember my oldest, age 5, informing the local Baptist minister, "I have eggs! Right here!" and getting the location of her ovaries right.

But now I have teenagers, including one who works in a sex-oriented business. My oldest is a dancer.

What did I tell them, beyond basic biology? ("Mom, my whole life doesn't need to be a vagina monologue!" Oldest protested at age 15)

Basic Or what I wish my folks had told me, other than don't.

1) It's okay not to orgasm. Orgasm is not the be-all and end-all of the sex act.

2) Nobody's genitals look like the airbrushed models or Pompeiian brothel paintings. Don't expect tiny, tight and pink labia, or a penis to his knees.

3) You're not gross down there. Oral sex is not kinky. And it should be reciprocal.

4) Hair is all right. You don't need to shave everything south of your eyebrows, either one of you! But if it feels good and you like it, that's all right too! (Thanks to [personal profile] sidewinder for the addition)

5) It shouldn't hurt. Lubrication is your friend, whether your own or from a tube. Benzocaine in your lube is NOT your friend. It just lets you do thing you should be easing into much too quickly.

6) Masturbate. A lot. But don't just focus on your genitals. Learn your secondary erogenous zones as well, the places for your lover to touch that excite you. (Otherwise, you end up having a random orgasm in the middle of a convention dealer's room and that's just embarassing for all involved, including the poor guy who didn't expect it when he tested his new costume claws on your wrist.)

7) Kiss. It's wonderful. It makes you feel better and decreases stress levels. Also, there are subtle skin chemicals and some people will taste better to you than others.

8) There will always be the exciting bad boy/girl who treats you like dirt. This person is not worth your time. Read Waiting for the Galactic Bus and consider the differences between Roy and Woody.

9) If you don't like sex, don't pretend to. If you don't have orgasms, don't fake them. This is lying to your partner and is a bad foundation that will only lead to strife later.

10) Everyone's sex drive is different. It's all good. Some may need several orgasms a day, others may not need more than one a week. These are fine. The problems come when the partners can't agree on frequency.

1) Enthusiastic Consent. Never ever pressure someone. Never ever take advantage of someone who is not compos mentis. Never ever ever use someone too young or a nonsentient animal for your sexual gratification.

Consent means they must say yes, physically and verbally. If at any time, your partner says "I don't like this." "I don't feel comfortable with this." "I don't want this." or "Ouch dammit!" or words to that effect, stop immediately. If they pull away, if they flinch from your touch, if they give nonverbal cues that they don't want it, stop at once.

Enthusiastic is a vital part of consent. Your partner should want the encounter as much as you do. Reluctant consent is not consent. Compelled consent is not consent. If they are hesitant or kind of resigned, this is not enthusiastic. Do not carry on.

1a) Remember YOU have a no as well and are allowed to use it.

1b) You can use your no at any time. Even if you've been sitting half naked in someone's lap, grinding clothed genitals together, you can still say no. Even if you're on the brink of penetration. It's better to decide and negotiate beforehand so your partner doesn't think you're a tease or leading them on.

2) Honor your previous commitments and yourself.

Sex is a big step. It changes the relationship you introduce it to.
It changes you in ways you may not realize for years to come.
It can have far-reaching consequences.

If you are committed to an education and self-support, ask yourself what changes a pregnancy and/or a child would make in your plans, if you are having heterosexual sex.

If you are in an exclusive relationship with one person and tempted by another, do what is honorable by your ethics: negotiate for poly, break up, or ignore the temptation.

If you are in a poly relationship, keep it honest.

If you are unsure of the relationship, think several times before having sex. It can prolong a waning relationship.

Basically, think ahead.
Use contraception in heterosexual relationships. STACK your contraception: a condom and a form the girl controls.

Safe sex! Always use a condom if there is a penis involved, or a dental dam as necessary.

Understand, research and negotiate if you're venturing into BDSM.


Don't believe anything you see in porn.

In fact, give porn a miss if you want good sex. It is dull, mechanistic and much of it focused on humiliating the woman.

Gauge the images you see by the ethics above. If they do not fall into line with those, discard them.


I can't give good advice on the type of person to fall for. I am submissive to the bone and always fall for the Wrong Sort, mistaking arrogance for confidence, cruelty for genuine kink and controllingness for dominance. However, I made a very smart decision to marry the funny, smart sweet man who loves me.

Sex is not the whole of a long-term relationship, but if bed ain't right, ain't NOTHING right. My husband subscribes to "Happy wife, happy life."

Erotic desire is the launching pad, the runway for a new relationship. It's exciting and gets you going, but it will fade and settle in. This is not "bed death" but rather sex assuming its role as part of the relationship instead of the driver of the relationship.

And though it sounds mercenary, remember you can love a rich person as easily as a poor one. Take into account your mate's prospects for prosperity when considering going long-term. If you are willing to scrape along a few years, that's fine. But ask yourself how you'll feel if you're still scraping into your forties or fifties.

Sex should be amazing, regardless of orientation. And with communication and ethics it can be.

The D-Man Checks In

Date: 2013-02-05 06:32 pm (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
You might/should consider publishing this.

It's quite good.

Re: The D-Man Checks In

Date: 2013-02-05 06:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
It's for a project in creating antheist/agnostic/humanist ethics in areas traditionally dominated by religion. Since I am a non-deistic pagan, I figured it was appropriate.

Date: 2013-02-06 03:22 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
The only thing I might quibble/want to add to is this:

4) Hair is all right. You don't need to shave everything south of your eyebrows, either one of you!

...but if it feels good for you, go for it!

(Says someone who likes it for her own pleasure, not because a partner ever asked for/demanded/requested it.) (I hate the shaving pro/anti wars from either extreme of the divide.)

Date: 2013-02-06 03:39 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

I'm pretty firmly in the "I don't shave and I don't expect it of my partners" camp. But to each their own. I had 4 because our culture leans to complete deforestation.

Date: 2013-02-06 08:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I annoys me when ppl are on one hand "your kink/all kink is okay" and yet if you actually LIKE to shave, you're treated like you are "bowing down to the man" and it's not acceptable in certain feminist circles. Sorry, a bit of an annoyance point to me, because I never did it because anyone asked me to, or even ever brought it up, I literally surprised my partner doing it once just for the hell of it, and realized I really LIKED the way it felt - for ME. Yet a lot of people try to act like I should be ashamed of "promoting paedophilic tendencies" or some crap just because I prefer not to have hair "down there".
Edited Date: 2013-02-06 08:21 pm (UTC)

Date: 2013-02-06 11:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I have no problem with shaving or not shaving, in the abstract.
In the personal, I can't do it. I break out and hurt too much.

So I'm of the "Do what works for you. But only what works for you" persuasion.

Date: 2013-02-06 03:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I wish my mother had told me something even vaguely similar as I was approaching puberty. Her version of "The Talk" was non-existent other than you can't bleed to death from your period, sex = babies. Masturbation was never ever mentioned in my parents house. If I'd heard/read this as I was a teen, heck even as a young adult, it would have made things so very much easier to understand and deal with.

Date: 2013-02-06 05:22 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Likewise. So I tried to make sure my kids had better information than I did. Mine was accumulated reading Redbook in the dr's office and later in general research.

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