From our "the Hammer is my penis" department

[valarltd]

A lot of talk has been going around about proper terms for delicate anatomy.
Here at Succubus Productions, we've compiled a list of words we won't be using in fiction. Although we have used terms like "Eve's Tempter" and "A shaft of Cupid's cut" and "bit of beef," we adamently refuse to use these.

What follows is not safe for work. We take no responsibility for drinks spewed over your monitor, on your keyboard or out your nose. The horror is that somewhere, out there, someone is USING THESE TERMS!


The ladies:
lady-softness
queeb (especially disappointed ones)
love pudding
fun bags
meat curtains
hairburger
hair-pie
balloons
vajayjay
birth cannon
coochie snorcher
jugs
clam
cock-pocket
dirty pillows
cum-dumpster
festering wound (eww)
cantaloupe
fortune nookie
gooey man-trap
chesticles
clown pocket
kipper mitten
piss flaps
love melons
the Batcave
pink taco (pink anything for that matter)
tulip
pink-nosed puppies
sweater meat


The gents:
Groin-ferret
purple-helmeted love-warrior
heat-seeking moisture missile
all-beef thermometer
winky
spear
baby-maker
bloated mushroom
bald-headed yogurt-slinger
sword (especially not a Gleaming Love Sword)
mayonnaise cannon
cervix crusader
cream-filled meat-stick
crotch cobra
trouser weasel
Spartan of Love
Dr. Cyclops
deadly dagger
flesh maggot
skin flute
man-meat
Throbbing Python of Love
piss-whistle
pompadoodle
custard-chucker
meat-scepter
love-truncheon
womb-broom
snot-Nazi
quivering member
taco warmer
thrill-drill
uterus unicorn
zipper wookiee


Brooks and Sparrow, your guarantee of quality!

Comments

[zoenichols.livejournal.com]

What horrifies me the most...is that I've read some of these before.

*sobs for my lost innocence*

[nimitzbrood.livejournal.com]

I now can not get the term "birth cannon" out of my head. Thanks.

Wow I must be more sheltered than I thought because I have never heard about 1/3 of these!

[valarltd.livejournal.com]

What? You've never had to "pet the wookiee, solo" before? Okay, I actually used that in a book, but it was a joke and the one making it got clouted by his lover.

[nimitzbrood.livejournal.com]

*chuckle*

I think my wife would die laughing if I said that to her. :-)

You do know about this song right?

http://www.tomsmithonline.com/lyrics/pickled_gopher.htm

Oh and of course this one as well:

http://www.thefump.com/video_one.php?id=138

[ravenskye8.livejournal.com]

It's sad to say, but it's true... people do use these terms... I actually read erotica that used "baby-maker", "balloons", and "purple-helmeted love-warrior"...

"Spartan of love" and "deadly dagger" both sound like book titles - don't you think?

*gigglefit*

[valarltd.livejournal.com]

I loved Spartan of Love and "deadly Dagger" put me in mind of Jeff Foxworthy telling his daughters that "hoo-hoos are deadly poison." And one came back with "No they aren't or the dog would be dead."

[firefly67.livejournal.com]

OH OH!!! (holding sides, laughing, tea about to snork out of nose...!) I've been round the block a time or two, at my age, but I've never heard most of these expressions. Kipper mitten? This sounds positively 1800s, like something one of Patrick O'Brian's sailor characters would say. VERY funny...could not imagine any writer using such slang seriously though!

[cinnastyx.livejournal.com]

I have to wonder about the sort of mind that thinks any of these are acceptable. The bulk of them sound like teenage boys came up with them. They are anything but sexy, most are just disgusting and make me a little queasy.

[constantlyconflicted.blogspot.com (from livejournal.com)]

Chesticles cracks me up.