Some Silly Things
Jan. 14th, 2003 11:00 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
valarltd By Dwarvenkind, gacked from Callahans
(should be read in an announcer voice)
Come on down to Dr. Evil's Evil Clone Lab and get your own personalized evil clone, an exact copy of yourself, but with enhanced evil qualities. Think of the fun...
For a limited time only, get a free down comforter with the purchase of your evil clone. Yes you heard that right: You can get down, with your bad self.
My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I am at peace with
that.
I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my
human has finished watching a horror movie.
I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.
I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed to
stuff them down the sink's drain.
I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke
them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.
I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt
right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the
stuff out of my fur.)
I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl
at NOTHING after my human has finished watching The X-Files.
I will not fish out my human's partial plate from the glass so that the
dog can "wear" it and pretend to be my human. (It is somewhat unnerving
to wake up, roll over in bed, and see the dog grinning at you with your
own teeth.)
I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.
I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the middle of the
night, deposit them on the bed and yell at the top of my lungs (Burmese
LOUD yowling) so that my human can admire my "kill."
I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and
stare into her eyes until she wakes up.
We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the
Plains of the Serengeti over any humans' bed while they're trying to
sleep.
Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget
this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my
attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.
I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase
leaves.
I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes just as
my human is explaining to his girlfriend how graceful I am.
I will not complain that my bottom is wet and that I am thirsty after
sitting in my water bowl.
I will not intrude on my human's candle-lit bubble bath and singe my
bottom.
I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something
in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave
me to get the rubber cement
out of my fur.
If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it
dissolves in boiling coffee.
When I am chasing my tail and catch my back leg instead, I will not bite
down on my foot. This hurts, and my scream scares my human.
When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not
necessary to check every door.
Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it down and try
to open it up to get the birds out.
I will not stuff my rather large self into the rather small bird feeder
(with my tail hanging out one side) and expect the birds to just fly in.
I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.
The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and will move
out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into floors and walls.
That does not mean I should take it as a personal insult when my humans
sit there and laugh.
Yes, there are still two very large dogs in the backyard. There have
been for several years. I don't have to act as if I've just discovered
the Demon Horror of the Universe each time one of them appears in my window.
I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to
bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really
come true.
When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to
catch them.
I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the family room
floor trying to do sit ups.
When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are *not* a
hammock.
Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need my help
installing a new board in her computer.
(should be read in an announcer voice)
Come on down to Dr. Evil's Evil Clone Lab and get your own personalized evil clone, an exact copy of yourself, but with enhanced evil qualities. Think of the fun...
For a limited time only, get a free down comforter with the purchase of your evil clone. Yes you heard that right: You can get down, with your bad self.
My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I am at peace with
that.
I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my
human has finished watching a horror movie.
I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.
I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed to
stuff them down the sink's drain.
I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke
them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.
I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt
right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the
stuff out of my fur.)
I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl
at NOTHING after my human has finished watching The X-Files.
I will not fish out my human's partial plate from the glass so that the
dog can "wear" it and pretend to be my human. (It is somewhat unnerving
to wake up, roll over in bed, and see the dog grinning at you with your
own teeth.)
I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.
I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the middle of the
night, deposit them on the bed and yell at the top of my lungs (Burmese
LOUD yowling) so that my human can admire my "kill."
I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and
stare into her eyes until she wakes up.
We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the
Plains of the Serengeti over any humans' bed while they're trying to
sleep.
Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget
this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my
attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.
I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase
leaves.
I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes just as
my human is explaining to his girlfriend how graceful I am.
I will not complain that my bottom is wet and that I am thirsty after
sitting in my water bowl.
I will not intrude on my human's candle-lit bubble bath and singe my
bottom.
I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something
in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave
me to get the rubber cement
out of my fur.
If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it
dissolves in boiling coffee.
When I am chasing my tail and catch my back leg instead, I will not bite
down on my foot. This hurts, and my scream scares my human.
When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not
necessary to check every door.
Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it down and try
to open it up to get the birds out.
I will not stuff my rather large self into the rather small bird feeder
(with my tail hanging out one side) and expect the birds to just fly in.
I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.
The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and will move
out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into floors and walls.
That does not mean I should take it as a personal insult when my humans
sit there and laugh.
Yes, there are still two very large dogs in the backyard. There have
been for several years. I don't have to act as if I've just discovered
the Demon Horror of the Universe each time one of them appears in my window.
I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to
bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really
come true.
When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to
catch them.
I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the family room
floor trying to do sit ups.
When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are *not* a
hammock.
Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need my help
installing a new board in her computer.
