valarltd | I love my husband

Have I mentioned this recently?

This absolutely brilliant man, with a junk heap trivia memory, has just informed me that the age of majority in Alabama is 19.
As Alabama hosts Birmingham, the capital of the CS, this will be the law of the land.

He also caught a huge flaw in the world building: the strict theocracy which isn't prosecuting and executing minors down into single digits. He suggested reform school. Run by the churches to "reclaim the lost lambs before they can become black sheep."

How much trouble could Nick get into with a reform-school pounding the Bible into his head and teaching him useful things like typing and filing? Now we know how he got the document-clerk job on a 3rd grade education. Also, it gives him another weapon to wield against the general public: Christian Charity. He knows how to evoke it.

I think I want the religious undercurrent running through. Definitely need to play up a couple of threads that are already there. And I had a thought, as I came close to calling him "Old Nick" and Mom asked why I had used "Nikolai" as his gang name. *eg* oh yeah, this will work. I'll rewrite over the holidays. I have to get

yuletide done.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

You didn't say. There are some continuity things and lots of grammar and spelling things I could give you if you really want them. I have a fair number of comments about characterization. For one thing, I'm a tad troubled by Nick's growth as a person.

At the beginning, he's an amoral punk thief and murderer with no apparent loyalties. We find out eventually that he's sending cash to his Mom, which is nice, I guess. At the end, he's a sophisticated assassin madly in love with his Sir and fond of his teachers, who are also his fuckbuddies, not to mince any words. He's also an amoral murderer who doesn't give a damn about anyone except his Mom and his immediate circle. The sympathy that you build up for him pretty much goes right out the window toward the end. Plus it reminded me one hell of a lot of Heinlein's Friday.

I would have liked the long beating scene one hell of a lot better if there had been just a tad more clear motivation than just to break the kid. You hinted that there may have been one--a way to allow Nick to cry out his pain. If that's the case, then make it explicit, please.

One big continuity bloomer..Nick comes in to have sex wtih Bryan apparently nude, but is sliding around on the library table in a SHIRT?

Want more?

As detailed as you like. And THANK YOU for catching the shirt.
This is what happens when you write in chunks and don't go back to reread.

I really wasn't going for Friday. But Heinlein will always influence any vision of balkanized America, as will Shadowrun. I tried to keep it less than her epic backward Huckleberry Finn routine.

I'm glad the madly in love part came across. And he shouldn't be giving that much of a damn about the inner circle. I want him able to cancel any of them without remorse should the order be given.

Darn, only an amoral murderer? I was going for psychopath. (I thought the daffodils were a nice touch in that direction) 8)

This is a rough draft, spell checked, and with some of the more egregious errors edited out (dream for down at one point). Any advice you can hit me with for that will be a huge help.

And I am working on edits, including world-building stuff, and more motivation type stuff. I tend to be a dialogue-heavy writer.

And did I say thank you, multiple times?
I do appreciate this, a lot.

I love my husband

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