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valarltdThe following is an actual e-mail, based on an actual occurence. I am the "library staff" mentioned in the story.
Names have been changed to protect the guilty.
You missed a rather amusing press conference.
It seems people weren't paying any attention to the warning sign tucked under the overhang on the back of Barry Hall; you
know, behind the fluffy bush that's next to the fire escape.
Well, Tuesday afternoon one of the commuter students, a bio major, was leaving the library and hadn't put on any door
repellant. So this big 7 or 8 foot door leaps off its
hinges and grabs her.
Like a tree leaps out in front of a woman driver or that van leaped out into the side of my jeep last year. Fortunately for her she was a science major and not a business major so she knew exactly where to hit the door to stun it while the library staff ran to help her instead of, umm, well, we'll get to that.
It seems that the carnivorous doors skulking around in the corners of the doorways at CBU have been mostly eating UM students and people off the street who came in to tie up the computers--and this lack of practice would explain why our Data Wranglers team has been doing so poorly at the rodeos--but not the scrawny, malnourished resident students who have to eat on campus.
So with all these disappearances going unnoticed the problem was bound to come to a head, namely, hers. As far as we can tell, the doors moved on the commuters, but since most of them are business majors who believe they are still in high school and would have no idea what to do in the real world. It was happening so quick that nobody was seeing it happen.
That, and how many middle managers do we really need, anyway? So when a healthy, corn-fed bio major tries to walk out of the library like any normal person and gets severely gummed by a ravenous door, we get another press conference.
Well, it has all been addressed and taken care of cough, cough buls... um, I Bulsh, You Bulsh, He, She, or It Bulshes, cough, cough, it bulshes, cough, cough. Oh Crap! "It" should be Objective and not Nominative, ehh.
So we ignored it for a full day and they kept complaining so me and Mike went and rehung the door and scattered some poison hinge pins to cut down on the stray door population.
I know, we should use the cage traps and implement a "catch and release" program like the District Court, but Gary just drowns whatever gets caught in those traps anyway. You remember what happened in the Psych Lab. He drowned all the rats and set out a trap, then drowned the first two sophmores to get their heads stuck going after the peanut butter crackers before Dr. V. called.
Oh, the door, we're just going to go back to ignoring the problem, you can't get fired if you're following the policy. If Penny ever comes back to finish the mosaic and you come with, the outer library door has new hinge mounts and should be safe but the inner one isn't looking too well fed.
Names have been changed to protect the guilty.
You missed a rather amusing press conference.
It seems people weren't paying any attention to the warning sign tucked under the overhang on the back of Barry Hall; you
know, behind the fluffy bush that's next to the fire escape.
Well, Tuesday afternoon one of the commuter students, a bio major, was leaving the library and hadn't put on any door
repellant. So this big 7 or 8 foot door leaps off its
hinges and grabs her.
Like a tree leaps out in front of a woman driver or that van leaped out into the side of my jeep last year. Fortunately for her she was a science major and not a business major so she knew exactly where to hit the door to stun it while the library staff ran to help her instead of, umm, well, we'll get to that.
It seems that the carnivorous doors skulking around in the corners of the doorways at CBU have been mostly eating UM students and people off the street who came in to tie up the computers--and this lack of practice would explain why our Data Wranglers team has been doing so poorly at the rodeos--but not the scrawny, malnourished resident students who have to eat on campus.
So with all these disappearances going unnoticed the problem was bound to come to a head, namely, hers. As far as we can tell, the doors moved on the commuters, but since most of them are business majors who believe they are still in high school and would have no idea what to do in the real world. It was happening so quick that nobody was seeing it happen.
That, and how many middle managers do we really need, anyway? So when a healthy, corn-fed bio major tries to walk out of the library like any normal person and gets severely gummed by a ravenous door, we get another press conference.
Well, it has all been addressed and taken care of cough, cough buls... um, I Bulsh, You Bulsh, He, She, or It Bulshes, cough, cough, it bulshes, cough, cough. Oh Crap! "It" should be Objective and not Nominative, ehh.
So we ignored it for a full day and they kept complaining so me and Mike went and rehung the door and scattered some poison hinge pins to cut down on the stray door population.
I know, we should use the cage traps and implement a "catch and release" program like the District Court, but Gary just drowns whatever gets caught in those traps anyway. You remember what happened in the Psych Lab. He drowned all the rats and set out a trap, then drowned the first two sophmores to get their heads stuck going after the peanut butter crackers before Dr. V. called.
Oh, the door, we're just going to go back to ignoring the problem, you can't get fired if you're following the policy. If Penny ever comes back to finish the mosaic and you come with, the outer library door has new hinge mounts and should be safe but the inner one isn't looking too well fed.
